Jealousy, in many ways, is not actually a result of the actions of a partner, though it may seem to be initially.  Instead, it is the form in which our own insecurities – about things like desirability, adequacy, and worthiness – manifest.  It can appear in numerous forms (or several different forms at once), such as anger, fear, sadness, envy, and anxiety. 

The first step to overcoming jealousy is to identify its cause.  Ask yourself questions about your experience (and be completely honest with yourself when you answer!).  What situations cause you to feel jealous?  In what forms does your jealousy appear?  How are you currently reacting to experiencing the negative emotion?  What effect is it having on your relationship?

Be prepared to be confronted with a wave of powerful, unpleasant, unpredictable emotions – this is a very sensitive situation with no simple solution.  Because every individual experiences jealousy in a unique way, experimentation is required to learn to tackle jealousy in the way that works best for you.  Expecting instant change is likely to lead to disappointment, so try to be patient and concentrate on fully understanding your needs and the needs of your partner.  The feelings of both people in the relationship must be considered in order to arrive at a viable solution, and it’s possible that compromises will need to be made to ensure that everyone’s needs are adequately met.

One common destructive thought that often occurs during this process is that if your partner was truly happy with you – or if you were a better wife, lover, or girlfriend – he wouldn’t have any desire to get involved with anyone else.  This is not only frequently incorrect (because men are perfectly capable of loving someone and being in a satisfying relationship while still being interested in a physical relationship with someone else), it’s incredibly harmful to you emotionally.  Do not allow yourself to think that you are to blame for your partner’s actions, and that you are solely responsible for the success or failure of your relationship. 

Once you have discovered what is triggering your jealousy, you can begin to eradicate it.  Put it into perspective – the things that are making you jealous are just a small part of your otherwise good relationship!  Now you can fix the situation by either 1) Talking to your partner and agreeing on what behavior is acceptable and what is unacceptable or 2) Taking a psychological approach and treating your jealousy the way a psychiatrist would treat a phobia.  To do so, expose yourself gradually to situations that you know will make you jealous until you feel comfortable in them and have learned to suppress the emotion.

If you accept that jealousy is a natural part of relationships, you can learn to defeat it!

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If you think that gossiping at the water cooler is harmless, and you just can’t imagine not doing it—after all, how will you know what is going on—then sit back and grab a latte. I’ve got some news for you.

When women gather around the water cooler sharing tidbits about things going on at the office, men are listening and watching. And it is highly likely that at least one of those men is your boss or your boss’s boss. Now you may think that they don’t hear what you are saying as you whisper real low, so they won’t really care, but whether they hear what you say or not isn’t the point; they see that you are whispering and that shouts “gossiper” to them.

Most male bosses don’t like gossipy women. They don’t trust them, for one. And would you? If you were the boss and was always seeing a certain woman subordinate hovered over the water cooler and speaking in low whispers with another woman all the time, would you trust her? Would you wonder what she is saying about you or the job you have her working on?If your company work is highly classified you certainly wouldn’t want to assign her anything important, would you?

Even if your whispered conversation is about your own personal life, there is something about coming upon two people in whisper mode—who suddenly part company and cease talking when you approach—that seems like a snub. Who likes being snubbed or made to feel that way, I ask you?

But how am I going to learn what is going on with everyone, you ask?

Who says you need to know other people’s business? How can it help you to do your job better? It can’t. In fact, it can actually hurt your job performance. If you are busy hearing the good, the bad, and the ugly about everyone else, then who is doing your job?

Some people are able to do their job and gossip with no one the wiser. They don’t park themselves at the water cooler, they gab on their lunch break. So while they avoid their boss seeing them gossiping, they still imbibe. And lest you think that participating in gossip isn’t going to backfire on you if it is “out of sight” of the boss, you are wrong.

Gossip hurts everyone who participates in it. It hurts the person’s reputation that is being talked about first and foremost, since they never meant for anyone to be discussing their personal or work life behind their back—preventing them from setting the record straight. Second, it hurts the person doing the gossiping, since their reputation is now being tainted and recognized as someone who needs to talk about others in order to feel good about their own self.

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