Whatever you call it, anal sex is surrounded by an aura of mystery and taboo in modern Western culture.  In the Middle Ages, when religion regulated morality in every day life to an extreme degree, the church viewed sex as a devious and unclean act, and associated lust and sexuality with original sin and the Fall of Man.  Sexual intercourse for any purpose other than reproduction was viewed as a depraved practice.

But rewind a bit, and you’ll discover a radically different picture.  In Ancient Greece, many adult men took on younger male lovers, though historians debate about how frequently sexual intercourse actually occurred.  Relationships of this nature were considered an essential element of the education of adolescent boys, particularly in Athens and Sparta.  Many courtesans also engaged in heterosexual anal sex, as a means of preventing unwanted pregnancies.

Ancient Rome’s infamous orgies and Bacchanalian festivals lead to hedonistic pairings that were both heterosexual and homosexual, though it was considered immodest or unchaste for male citizens to take the receptive role in anal sex.  Free men, however, often took the active role with young male slaves, as the practice was significantly less stigmatized.

Japanese erotic art, known as shunga, shows evidence that penetrative anal sexual intercourse occurred in both heterosexual and homosexual couplings, and erotic vases made by the Moche people of Peru feature countless illustrations of heterosexual anal sex.  In fact, they depict anal sex more than any other sex act!
After the sexual repression of the Middle Ages, during the Renaissance, attitudes towards anal sex became more permissive.  King James I openly had a male lover, the Duke of Buckingham, and homosexuality was tolerated amongst artists.

By the Victorian era, however, sex – of any kind – was once again considered shameful and sinful.  A law was passed that stated that “gross indecency” between men would receive a punishment of two years’ hard labor.

Only after the Second World War and the publication of the research of Alfred Kinsey and Alex Comfort’s The Joy of Sex did sexual attitudes again take on a more exploratory approach in the 20th century, though even in the wake of the sexual revolution anal sex is still often considered mystifying, immoral, or taboo.

Some things never change, but sex certainly isn’t one of them.

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Heterosexual: A person who experiences sexual attraction to people of the opposite gender.

Homosexual: A person who experiences sexual attraction to people of the same gender.

 Bisexual: A person who experiences sexual attraction to people of both genders.

 Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction.

Odds are that you’re well-acquainted with the first three terms, but aren’t particularly familiar with the last one.  Asexuality is making its way into public awareness more and more each day, as an increasing number of people actively identify themselves as such and scientists begin to look more deeply into the subject.

If you’ve never heard of asexuality before, it can be a puzzling topic.  Check out this asexuality FAQ for answers to some of your questions.

What are the origins of asexuality?

Asexuality is not the same thing as celibacy, which is a conscious choice, nor is it a side effect of a medical condition, which is a serious problem.  Asexuality is merely an intrinsic aspect of a person, no different from any of the more commonly discussed sexual orientations.

Do asexuals experience attraction?

Many do experience attraction, in the form of an emotional connection with someone or an aesthetic appreciation of their physical features, but are not motivated to act on that attraction in a sexual manner.  Those who do experience attraction often identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight in addition to identifying as asexual.

Can asexual people have relationships?

Absolutely!  Some prefer to remain single, but others form intimate long-term partnerships.  “Asexuality” is a very broad label: some asexuals only date other asexuals, while others date sexual people.  Some choose to have sex even though they do not experience sexual attraction, others do not.  Asexuals who are interested in forming relationships are referred to as “romantic,” while those who have no interest in relationships whatsoever are considered “aromantic.”

Do asexuals experience arousal?

Many do, though it does not lead to a desire to find a sexual partner.  Some asexual people are not involved in any kind of sexual activity, others masturbate but have no interest in intercourse with another person.  Other asexuals use sex to express romantic attraction for a sexual partner, or experience sexual attraction that is based solely on an emotional connection, not on any outward characteristics (known as “demisexual”).

For more information, check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) at www.asexuality.org. 

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I don’t know about you but I’ve read tons of books on this subject and come away with this conclusion: men think that by having sex they are showing intimacy, but women think intimacy is when you hold them, not have sex with them.

Am I right, or am I right, ladies?

So how do we get men to realize that intimacy (those deep conversations over shared interests, an unexpected hug of support, or that knowing look) has nothing to do with the sexual act and everything to do with the heart, mind, and emotions?

Well, we have to communicate it to them. But we have to learn their ways of communicating just like they have to learn our ways of thinking. Men are visual learners, not given to lots of words (written or spoken). If you doubt this just try to talk to him when he is engrossed in watching television or working on his computer or car.

Uh huh, yeah, oh, okay, will be about all the communicating you hear from him during those efforts. And I guarantee he won’t even remember what you said if you ask him about it later. So you can’t use words to teach him the difference between sex and intimacy. You have to use visual action.

So, since he is into visual (and likely physical), you teach him what intimacy is the same way you teach your child how to do something; you show him. If intimacy to you is having your other half give you a hug and a word of encouragement when someone upsets you; you do the same to him when someone upsets him.

You are creating a pattern for him to become familiar with and to follow. He won’t likely get it the first time or two, but don’t give up on him. Desirable habits have to be formed. None of us “gets things” the first time out of the starting gate either, do we?

When he does get it right, reward him with what you know he equates intimacy with: sex. After all, it has to be a two-way street if you are going to keep him motivated in this educational pursuit. If you are the only one getting your needs met then what is his motive to join in the effort?

For more information on sex and intimacy please visit us here.

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